I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
