i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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