TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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