He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
