dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
