her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
