i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
