my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
