It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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