I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
