Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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