Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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