So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
