all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
