She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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