So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
