I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
