mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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