Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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