I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
