Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
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okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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