What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
