Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
