Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
