And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
