she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
