I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
