So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
