She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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