ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
