highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize