saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
