my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
The feeling are messing with the penis
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
