It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
