the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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