I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
