Your tits are I can't wait for
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
