he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
