Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
