I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
