I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
