there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
