I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
