In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
