I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We don't watch enough power rangers
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize