he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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