News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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