If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
please come you make the beer taste better
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize