Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
