After last night, I could never be a politician.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
