I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize