it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
