I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
