chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize