did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
