I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
