Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
