yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
