Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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