keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
