thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
