I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
